


Drabble Collection v1

by Morrigan_Healy



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 07:45:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15238704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morrigan_Healy/pseuds/Morrigan_Healy
Summary: just a small set of Kames (James/Kendall) drabbles I wrote back in 2013.





	1. Don't Let The Demon Get Me

**Author's Note:**

> I'm aware all of this sucks. My writing was so bad back then.

Don't Let The Demon Get Me:

Kendall and James were home alone. It had been a pretty nice day, but now that it was night, things were changing.

*CLAP*

Thunder rings out, and James grins as the blonde sitting next to him on the couch moves a little closer.

"Kendall….it's just thunder," James whispers, pulling the blanket tighter around himself and his boyfriend. The blonde shook his head, "Well it was loud….and this m-movie's sc-scary." He admitted. They were watching Paranormal Activity 2, and for the last five minutes Kendall had covered his face with a pillow. James laughed, pulling down the pillow down to kiss him, making the other protest softly. As James pulled away, Kendall managed a smile, "But I'm glad I'm with you." Another clap of thunder sounded, and it was dark.

The power had gone out.

"Jamesy?" Kendall called worriedly. He hated the dark. He knew he was acting like a five year old, but given the movie they were watching, he'd figured it was alright to do so. He couldn't see a thing, and he could only hear his blood pounding in his ears.

"I'm right here, Kendall." He heard James say.

"Where? Uhmn! Babe…don't scare me like that!" Kendall scolded. He'd felt the button on his jeans being tugged, and knew what James meant.

Kendall could sense the smile in James' voice, "You have your cell on? Mine's dead." Smiling, Kendall pulled out his phone, making both teens cringe at the light it produced.

Not five minutes later the boys had their way to James' room, each still thinking about the movie.

"Jamesy…it's dark," Kendall whined, eyeing what he thought was the bed. James giggled, "Well, you have to feel if you can't see…ok? Tell me what you feel…" James whispered, his hot breath tickling the hair on Kendall's neck, before he kissed it.

"A-Alright." Kendall could tell James was behind him, but that didn't stop him from yelping when James' hands slipped to hold the blonde's hips. As James began to rub them in circles, Kendall leaned his head back to rest it against James' shoulder, small moans escaping his lips. James grinned, hands leaving Kendall's hips to pull his shirt off.

Once Kendall's shirt lay on the ground, James pulled off his own faded Wild jersey, smiling at the small squeak he'd earned from Kendall. Kendall knew as well as any girl the kind of body James had. A well built frame, toned muscles and sun-kissed skin…not to mention that hair.

James guided Kendall to the bed, and without a second thought, knocked the blonde flat on his back. Kendall smiled, "How come you never ask if I wanna be on top? It's like you always assume I'm the girl…" James laughed, crawling on top of Kendall and straddling him, undoing the button on his jeans, "Well I'm taller. Never really thought about it, I guess. Wanna switch?" Kendall shook his head, hands tangling in James' thick brown locks.

"I think I like routine. Just don't let the demon get me, alright?" James growled, his hands reaching for Kendall's hips again, lips travelling across the blonde's chest.

"Don't worry sweetie. I think one's already got a hold of you," and as James kept kissing Kendall, the demon inside of him, hungry for the blonde's endless love, woke up. And wanted to put up a fight, because that's how he knew Kendall liked it.


	2. Spin The Bottle Til It Goes Worldwide

"James…don't. Stay!" The blonde beside him pleaded, grabbing the taller boy's hand as he went to leave the room.

"Why should I? You and that…that…." James couldn't bring himself to speak of the blonde Kendall used to go out with, now that he'd caught her kissing him again.

"It was a harmless game, Jamesy….called spin the bottle."

"Yeah, if it was harmless, why did it look like you were enjoying it so much?" he snapped back. Kendall mentally cursed himself; it was true he'd enjoyed kissing Jo again, even though they'd been broken up for about a year since he'd publicly started dating James.

"I...I don't know. Maybe it's because I've missed it. Kissing you has its perks, but there's just something….different….about kissing a girl," Kendall pointed out. James scuffed and stared at the ground, small 'hmmph..' escaping his lips at Kendall's sentence. Kendall, realizing what mood his boyfriend was now in, got up and walked towards him, which only made the brunette back up.

"Don't come near me….admit it, you like her more than me now." James said, and Kendall swore he could hear the older boy's voice starting to crack with unshed tears.

"No…no…Jamesy, I'll never," the blonde's voice had turned into that undeniable sexy tone James knew he'd never be able argue with. Kendall leaned into him, forcing James against the wall of their bedroom, lips just under his chin, kissing the soft, tan skin. "Never like her more than you….ever." Kendall's lips had moved up to James' own, and he was powerless to resist the kiss that followed. As Kendall pulled back and looked into James' eyes, he saw that he had reaffirmed trust between them. And just to make sure, Kendall leaned up and whispered, voice still in that seductive and reassuring tone,

"Yes, I may, meet a million pretty girls that know my name,  
But don't you worry, because you have my heart,"

James sighed, giggling softly against the blonde's hair, "Thanks….was it really necessary to quote that?"

Kendall smiled, "I thought it'd get my point across. And y'know, next time we play spin the bottle, I'll spin it so it goes worldwide and we can skip onto seven minutes in heaven, alright?" he suggested. James grinned, "Seven minutes in heaven…mmmhhh, I love that game. And you know just how to play," he said, winking at his boyfriend who blushed at the hidden meaning.

"And hey….how long til dinner?" James asked. Kendall checked his watch, "Oh geez….seven minutes."  
James bit his lip and looked toward the bed, Kendall, seeing this, slapped his hand to his forehead.

"You thinking what I think you're thinking, love?"

"You bet. Time's wasting!"


	3. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songfic based on Sugarland's Stay. fully aware it includes lyrics, these belong to their rightfully owners. and then there's the fact my writing just sucked back then.

Your lips come against mine as your fingers tangle in my hair. You're the only one that's allowed to touch my hair. I can't get over how you don't like calling our apartment 'home', but rather the 'getaway'. When that phone rings, sometimes I want to pick up and answer for you, but part of me doesn't want to cause a scene. You giggle as my hands slip to hold your hips, and your head snakes its way into the crook of my neck, kissing me and nibbling at my collarbone. I smile, "Kendall, I wish we could stay like this forever…" You look up, kissing my lips softly, "Oh Jamesy I wish we could but-" Damn it. You're phone's ringing.

And I'll be begging you, baby, beg you not to leave But I'll be left here waiting with my heart on my sleeve

"Kendall, don't go! Stay! I'm…I'm warm. I'm what you know you want! Stay…don't go to her!" I beg, taking your hands that had been tangled in my hair and setting them on my cheeks, hoping you can feel the warmth radiating from me. But you just smile and kiss my nose, "Don't worry Jamesy, I'll be back soon. It won't be long." But by now the tears are threatening to fall, my mascara threatening to bleed in their wake. As you finish your sentence, you get up, pull a shirt on, grab your stupid phone, and head out the door. You've left me with tears in my eyes and my heart on my sleeve, again.

Oh, for the next time we'll be here Seems like a million years and I think I'm dying

Every time when I'm waitin' for you to come back, I get lost in thought. About you. Your beautiful green eyes, the way your bangs lay on your forehead, the way some people (not me) think your eyebrows look like caterpillars in comparison to your hair color. I'm smiling as I replay last night in my head, it was perfect. Every kiss, every glance, and the way you held me down while I tried to not scream like the girl I felt like. But that's all a memory now. And by the next time it happens it'll feel like years later.

What do I have to do to make you see she can't love you like me?

Oh Kendall…what do I have to do to make you see I love you more than her? I've known you longer, anyways.

Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?

When we first started this, I'd get on my knees and beg you, implore you really, not to leave. Sometimes I still do. I'd whine about how lonely I'd be, how I could give you everything you needed, how you were my… everything. But you just kissed my nose, ruffled my hair, stood up, and walked away. I used to yell at you as you left, the whole 'why are we even doing this?' thing but eventually I just got used to it. Sometimes it's worth the heartache you put me through.

You came home later that night and crawled into bed beside me. I was barely awake, but I felt you pull me into your arms. I slowly begin to fully wake up, sighing, "You're back. I've missed you," as your lips come against my neck, but then I giggle when I feel your hands drop to my hips. As you begin to rub them in circles, I can feel the day's stress starting to melt away. But then I realize maybe you are just using me. I mean that's what famous people do, right? But I'm tired of waiting for you. I don't like sharing you with her, not one bit.

It's too much pain to have to bear to love a man you have to share  
Why don't you stay? I'm down on my knees I'm so tired of being lonely, don't I give you what you need?  
When she calls you to go, there is one thing you should know  
We don't have to live this way, baby, why don't you stay?

You were straddling me, and I was about to pull your shirt off. You started kissing me, starting at my face and working down to my hips. Your phone rings just as your hands are about to work my jeans off. I sigh, "Why don't you just tell her? I'm tired of this…always right when I'm starting to feel better about this whole thing…." Your lips crush into mine, and this time something's changed. I can tell you know what I'm thinking, you know what I mean, about walking away. Your phone's voicemail alarm is going off, and I reach over and knock it off the bedside table before you can reach it.

"James! Don't do that!" You scold, but your eyes are shinning playfully. I pull you back on top of me, shushing you with a quick kiss before adding seductively, "No, Kendall. Tonight is my night. And it's going to be the best night of our lives."

"I'll just call Jo real quick and tell her I'm staying at Logan's with you and Carlos. Then we can have all the fun we want, alright?"

"Alright." I sigh, this is so tiring, the liability of having you torn from me with a simple phone call. You can her, and then hang up. That's when it really gets hot between us.

But as I lie in your arms, a startling thought comes to mind. I imagine you and her instead of you and me. You straddling her, kissing every inch of her skin. How much are you holding back when it comes to me?

When you let me lead, I play with my all. Every kiss, there's power behind it you don't see on the rink. And when it gets to the point where I know you need me more then I think possible, I know, because you're making sounds I didn't know you could. Every once in a while my name comes through as a sleepy moan, and I know to either up the ante or it's time to quit and go to bed. I wonder if that's how you think, with her. What you do. Does she get the part of you that won't stop no matter what, the lustful beast I know exists but I rarely ever see? And when it's time to turn the tables, how much of that do I get in return?

"Kendall…next time she calls….stay with her. It's hurting both of us, and I'm willingly to walk away. But we're still friends, right?"

"Right…and if she's not around…I'll still be your boyfriend." You whisper, leaning your forehead against mine.

So maybe this will work. Nights you spend with her, but I see you all day. Jo doesn't know how close our bond really is, only that we're like brothers. And I suppose you could say that. So tomorrow, Kendall…baby, why don't you stay?


	4. He Has No Idea That I'm Even Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on the All Time Low then Big Time Rush cover of 'No Idea.' Includes lyrics, those belong to rightful owners.

~ James Diamond is tired of living a lie about his dreams. He knows he's the face, and knows his dream of being famous is a reality. But what does he do about the one dream he knows may never come true? Because it's like the boys sing, "But truth is, she has no idea that I'm even here," except the she James always is thinking about isn't a she. ~

James Diamond stood watching the door, waiting for his blonde to come out, hair dripping wet and a towel around his waist. The minute their eyes connected, James would run to him and wrap his arms around him, not caring if his clothes were getting wet. The blonde would smile and whine something to the effect of, "Jamesy…c'mon, I have to get dressed...n-nooo…." As he'd kiss the skin on the blonde's neck, feeling him shudder in James' arms, the fine hairs on Kendall's arms rising at his lover's touch. James would pull back and smile, playfully whispering into the blonde's ear some of the lyrics to their newest single, 'Show Me.'

"Kendall, baby show me By the way you hold me, Way that you control me Speed me up or slow me

Oh when I'm lonely Full of stormy weather Can you make it better?...C'mon Kendall…" he practically begged. For lack of time, they wouldn't be able to do anything, but every second James was able to stall his blonde and distract him from what they should be doing and not what they wanted to do made his heart beat a little faster. Until…

"James! Wake up man! Rehearsal in twenty minutes and we overslept! Gustavo's gonna kill us for sure this time!" Kendall's voice called from the bathroom. Blinking his hazel eyes open, James sat up and looked around the room. As usual, his and Kendall's room was a wreck, clothes everywhere and one shoe here, one there.

"Do we seriously have rehearsal at seven in the frickin' morning?" James complained, yawning. Getting out of bed and walking over to the bathroom, James smiled; out of the corner of his eye he'd seen Kendall pull his shirt off. Slipping into the bathroom and shutting the door before Kendall could catch his reaction, James looked in the mirror.

He was blushing. Certainly the sight of a shirtless Kendall Knight hadn't done this to him? As he started the shower and pulled his shirt off, James sighed.

~ Kendall hummed to himself while he dressed. Waking James up had started his day, but he still couldn't shake the dream he'd had.

In his dream, he had kissed James. And it wasn't just a peck; it had been a full-out makeup session. Hair had been pulled, names had been yelled. Kendall had woken up, breathing heavy and blinking to make sure it had been a dream. But then Kendall realized, after all those years, this was a sign. But did James feel the same way? Besides, James was straight though, as far as Kendall knew.

(James' POV)  
'Did Kendall really make me blush? I can't be….falling for him, can I? I'm the face, the player….a heartbreaker, not a queer.' James thought as he stepped out of the shower and dried off before wrapping the towel around his waist to fix his hair. But the more James thought about it, the more unsure he became.

Kendall was beautiful, at least to the multitude of fan girls he had. James couldn't deny that the blonde had a body (as many times as he'd seen it at the pool and when they changed), even though he may have not been as built up as James himself. But it didn't matter. James knew Kendall would never be his. Well, at least that's what he thought.

Later that day at rehearsal, the band was recording a song for Elevate, their upcoming album. The song was titled No Idea.

"I'll love you, if you ain't got nobody to love

And girl I'll adore you, if there's no one to adore  
And I'll show you, if there's no one to show, ay  
And I'll know you, if you want somebody to know…"

Kendall sang. James glanced toward him, watching those pink lips move, the sound coming from them putting his head in the clouds. But he snapped back to focus as his part came up.

"Every time you come around You put a lightning bolt on my face  
Baby, everytime you come around Girl, you take my breath away  
And I just wanna breathe until I take you in  
Cause I want you to breathe until you take me in …"

Realizing what the lyrics meant, he smiled. Every time James looked and Kendall, it made him smile. And every time Kendall entered a room, it seemed to brighten up, and James found the blonde had taken his breath away with the sheer countenance of the leader Kendall was.

"But the truth is…  
She has no idea, no idea That I'm even here, I'm even here  
She has no idea, no idea I'm standing here, I'm standing here I'm standing here…"

It was true. Sometimes James felt like Kendall had No Idea he was even there, even when they were standing two feet apart.

"I'll kiss you, whenever you want to be kissed  
How I miss you two seconds after you leave  
screaming "come back to me, come back to me"  
Let me please you, let me see you, let me take that heart of yours  
And I'll be whatever you need me to be - the good guy, bad guy, just tell me baby…"

James realized every word was true, again. James would gladly kiss Kendall whenever he asked, and would most defiantly miss him. He could be whatever Kendall needed him to be.

"Every time you come around You put a lightning bolt on my face  
Baby, everytime you come around Girl, you take my breath away  
And I just wanna breathe until I take you in  
Cause I want you to breathe until you take me in But the truth is…

She has no idea, no idea That I'm even here, I'm even here  
She has no idea, no idea I'm standing here, I'm standing here I'm standing here…"

As Logan sang the pre-chorus to the second chorus and the other three joined in, Kendall turned to look at James. James thought he saw Kendall wink, but maybe he'd imagined.

"Please tell me you can heal me I'm expressing my love…"

Kendall sang, and now James knew he was losing it. Kendall was looking right at him. Was it possible he knew?

"Won't stop till I get you I'm not letting up…"

James sang, looking at Kendall, surprised at the nod Kendall gave as the brunette's line ended.

"I'm running to your heart Like a kid in a store  
Take every ounce of love And beg you for more And beg you for more…"

As Logan sang, the two looked at each other before they all sang the chorus one last time.

"She has no idea, no idea That I'm even here, I'm even here  
She has no idea, no idea I'm standing here, I'm standing here I'm standing here…"

As the sang ended and the four walked back to the Palm Woods, James went up to 2J to change, the boys were going swimming. Unbeknownst to him, Kendall followed.

"James." Kendall called, standing outside the door to his and James' room.

"Huh? Oh…it's you." He said, recognizing who it was that had called him.

"What's wrong with you lately? It's like you can't stand to be around me…it's like you hate me or something." Kendall explained.

"Hate you? Hate you? Kendall…" James started, sitting down on his bed, motioning for Kendall to follow.

"That's the last thing I could do. I know this is gonna sound weird, but…I'm…I'm jealous."

"You? Jealous?" Kendall laughed, "Of…of what?"

"This singer I really like. She's got blonde hair and green eyes, and whenever we sing No Idea, I think of her….but sometimes it's like she's got no idea I'm even here. She even lives at the Palm Woods, too!" James said, talking about Kendall as though he were a new girl at the Palm Woods.

"James….just go after her. If she wants you, she'll let you know. And well, I'm kinda jealous of her friend. She's got hazel eyes and really soft looking brown hair. It's like they don't even know we exist," Kendall said, talking about James the same way.

"Oh…and Kendall?" James asked, smiling. If he played his cards right, this would be it.

"Yeah James?" Kendall asked, looking right into the others' eyes. Those beautiful hazel eyes.

"Well…that girl I was talking about? She's…she's not a girl. It's a guy I can't get out of my head."

To James' surprise, Kendall nodded, "Yeah. I know. My girl, isn't a girl. I think I fell for a guy."

"Really?"

"Yeah. And…well, next time I see him, I'm gonna go up and kiss him, then say it's a dare."

"I will too." James agreed. And before Kendall could react, James leaned in and captured Kendall's lips with his own. Kendall didn't pull back like James had expected him to. In fact Kendall had moaned softly and surrendered, allowing James to kiss him. After a few moments, James pulled back, smiling and blushing.

"Sorry…but…you're the guy I'm in love with." He admitted. Kendall grinned, "Yeah, well…you're the one I'm in love with. You seriously think I have no idea he you feel or that you even exist?"

"Well….seeing as you always are hanging with Logan and Carlos, I felt like no-one cared."

"Oh Jamesy!" Kendall almost shouted, James blushing harder as his childhood nickname was brought up, "I'd never stop caring about you! And…well, I obviously do like you…so…" Kendall squeaked out, surprised he was able to speak after feeling James' lips on his.

"So…are you trying to ask me out?" James finished for him. Kendall nodded, even going as far as standing up and going to sit in James' lap, smiling all the while and kissing the brunette's neck.

"Yes." The blonde whispered into his neck, sending a shiver down James' spine. Kendall truly loved him. So, as James turned the blonde around in his arms and began to kiss him, he answered,

"Then Kendall…now that I know you care and feel the same way and have an idea that I'm really here and I love you and-" Kendall cut him off with a sharp nip on his earlobe, "Jamesy, just say yes already!"

"Then, yes, I'll go out with you." And James kissed Kendall, finally glad his true love had accepted him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on the ...something Anderson song, I can't even remember the artist but lyrics belong to them.

(Kendall's POV)  
It'd been three years since BTR's fall. The plane crash had destroyed their dreams, and lives. Well, his anyway. Kendall had lost the person he'd needed most. He was driving down that old road, down past the Palm Woods, where they'd lived not so long ago. He flipped on the radio, and to his surprise, it was set to a country station. He never listened to Country, even if he could help it. His girlfriend Jo must've switched it before he dropped her off.

"Well, here's Keith Anderson, with his new ACC Top 40 hit, "Everytime I Hear Your Name".

Eager to change the station, Kendall was just about to touch the dial when the guy started singing. Instantly the lyrics brought old memories alive in his head. Kendall pulled the car over and parked, closing his eyes, and listened to the song.

"Finally got over that song of ours; stopped chasin' little red sports cars,  
To check the license plates and I quit drivin' by your place.  
Back makin' the rounds at our old haunts: Honky Tonks, restaurants.  
And seein' some of our old friends: it feels good to dance again…."

Kendall had to laugh, he and James had always sang along with anything really. But their song had been slower; actually it'd been Lifehouse's You and Me. As far as little red sport cars, well, he'd always yelled at James for that. The beautiful brunette had always been sneaking around the parking garages at the Palm Woods, catching license numbers and pretending to drive the cars he knew he could've never afforded. After the accident, they lost contact, but gradually Kendall started hanging out with the other BTR members, Carlos and Logan, again, back at the old hockey rink and drive-ins.

And I can finally smell your perfume and not look around the room for you.  
And I can walk right by your picture in a frame and not feel a thing.

James always wore something that smelled cinnamonish…it wasn't perfume. Had it been cologne? Kendall couldn't remember, he only knew that eventually he'd stopped looking around for his friend when he could smell it in the air. The pictures the many girls had set up in the Palm Woods' lobby as a memorial didn't bother him, or the picture he had on his bed stand of the two of them smiling and laughing together.

Whenever somebody said his name, Kendall has to force a smile. He could still feel the rain pounding him just as it had while he bent over James' headstone to place the last great physical memory of his friend upon it, the lucky comb. Kendall knew James would've hated to be without it. After leaving a single red rose as a final goodbye, Kendall had walked away, tears falling silently. But then it was the 5th of May. Kendall and James were talking in their room one night, laughing and trading hockey match stories. Kendall had been mesmerized by James' voice, let alone that hair. He paid attention to every word rolling off those beautiful pink lips, and before he could control himself, he'd leaned in and kissed James. James had been startled, sure. But then he'd given in, and kissed him back just as gently. Kendall pulled back after a few moments, and smiled when he saw how red James was blushing, despite the fact he already was wearing it.

"Sorry. I just…y'know you're…umm…"

"Kendall…you don't have to be weird about it. You're prolly crushin' on me. It's not like I haven't seen it coming."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I mean…you haven't really hid it well. It's obvious. You like me, don't you?" Kendall gulped, and tried to look James in the eyes. Those beautiful hazel eyes.

"Well…y-yeah. I d-do. Are y-you m-mad?" he asked quietly. James laughed.

"Why would I be mad? Man, you haven't noticed ether? I've like had a crush on you for ages!" he answered.

"So…uh…want to… uh…um…"

"Go out?" James finished for him. Kendall nodded, smiling. James sat up and leaned into Kendall, whispering, "There goes the innocence of the first kiss…" into his ear before kissing him again.

Got someone special in my life; everyone thinks she'll make a great wife.  
Dad says he thinks she's the one; reminds him of Mom when she was young.  
But it's way too soon to be talkin' 'bout rings; don't wanna rush into anything.  
She's getting over someone too, kinda like me and you.  
And she talks about him every once in a while, and I just nod my head and smile,  
'cause I know exactly what she's goin' through; yeah, I've been there too.

Then Jo had come along, a year after the crash and after he'd lost James. She was what Kendall needed. Soon she'd met his parents, and Kendall's dad had said something that he thought they should get married, but Kendall had brushed it off, say that she was still getting over her ex, just as he was getting over James. When she talks about her ex, (he'd died in a car crash), Kendall could only nod and smile, and he knew how she felt.

And when the conversation turns to you, I get caught in a "you were the only one for me",  
Kinda thought, and your face is all that I see. I know I can't go back but I still go back  
And there we are, parked down by the riverside,  
And I'm in your arms about to make love for the first time,  
And that's all it takes, and I'm in that place, Every time I hear your name.

Losing James had been the worst feeling in the world. Now when Jo brings James up, Kendall can't stop thinking about him. He knows he'll never get the time back, but at least he's got the memories. Kendall could remember being down at the beach, him and James stretched out on beach towels, the sunlight reflecting perfectly off James' golden brown hair as they smiled at each other. Then James had kissed him, long and hard. And Kendall had given in, kissing him back until they were both shuddering from the adrenaline rush. He remembered how James had yelped when Kendall had grabbed of fistful of the brunette's hair, and in response, James had put his hands on Kendall's sides, and leaned into him. Kendall had to laugh, it'd been a little odd since James was taller; it was almost as though Kendall'd been the girl.

Kendall really couldn't explain it, just whenever somebody said his name it brought back the memories of the boy he'd never forget. His James Diamond, now shining as a star in the night sky.


	6. You're Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY COW WAS I EMO BACK THEN. I'm sorry y'all gotta read this! Based on P!nk's Perfect, lyrics belong to her.

"Made a wrong turn Once or twice Dug my way out Blood and fire…  
Bad decisions That's alright Welcome to my silly life"

James Diamond stood in his bathroom, staring into his reflection. He'd let everything get out of control…there was no going back. He'd started things he couldn't stop, said things he shoulda never said. His life…once peaceful and totally linear in Minnesota; had turned hectic and unorganized once in California. The friend he loved like a brother…and maybe then some…had turned him down, causing the brunette to take it out on himself, for not being 'enough' of the one his crush needed.

"Mistreated Misplaced Misunderstood Miss knowing it's all good It didn't slow me down.  
Mistaking Always second guessing Underestimating…Look I'm still around…"

"Look, I'm still around…" James repeated to himself, smiling. His smile faltered for a half-second as his eyes lingered on the razor that sat on the sink. Was he really going back there again? He'd thought he was over it, had grown away from 'healing' that way. Well, as steady as he'd thought himself to be, it wasn't enough. Shakily, he grabbed for the razor, and then pulled up his sleeve, sitting on the floor, leaning against the bathtub.

'Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel  
Like you're less than F-king perfect  
Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel  
Like you're nothing You're f-king perfect to me…'

'If I hear him say that…I'll quit.' James thought, the song was stuck in his head, and it always made him somehow think of him and Kendall.

"I wonder what Kendall would think if he found out I'd started this again…" James mused aloud to himself, dragging the razor across his forearm in a slick line, watching the blood form a trail. He sighed and took a deep breath, 'man, why does this feel so good?'…before long James had marked both arms multiple times, and by the time he set the razor down, the result was a feeling of bliss. Despite the many lines of red running down his arms, James smiled. As the air hit the cuts, they burned, causing him to sigh contentedly at what he'd just done.

"I'll just let my memories of you burn away…" James mumbled before slipping into unconsciousness.

When he woke, he wasn't in his room in 2J. The room was bright, and was that and IV hooked up to his arm? James cringed, 'Damn…Kendall musta caught me again. I wish he'd just let me die…' He looked around, and to his surprise the blonde was sitting in the chair right next to his bed.

"James…stop hurting yourself like this, it's only been the third time I've caught you now. I'm afraid you might actually kill yourself if you keep this up. But my one question I really need answered is, 'Why'?"

"I…I just d-don't l-like myself…" he stuttered, nervously running the hand that didn't have the IV in it through his hair.

You're so mean When you talk About yourself, you were wrong  
Change the voices in your head Make them like you instead

Kendall sighed, "James…stop talking about yourself like that. You can make yourself like yourself…just tell the voices in your head to compliment you instead of insult you." Kendall suggested. James sighed, but the only thing he could think was, 'God, why can't you just say what I need to hear from you already?'

So complicated Look how we all make it Filled with so much hatred Such a tired game  
It's enough I've done all I can think of Chased down all my demons I've seen you do the same, oh

Kendall noticed James' eyes had glazed slightly; he was starting off into space, lost in thought. He knew James had to chase his own demons, something had caused him to start cutting himself, and Kendall had to find out what it was….for his best friend's sake.

Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel Like you're less than f-ing perfect  
Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing You're f-ing perfect to me

As James fell asleep again, the chorus to the song ran through his head, causing him to smile in his sleep. Kendall, seeing this, took the hint. As gently as he could without waking James, he lifted the boy's hand to his lips, wishing he had the nerve to say what was on his mind.

Heading home to 2J, Kendall walked into James' room. Finding a note on the dresser he began to read. It had the lyrics for P!NK's F-Ing Perfect on it.

The whole world's scared So I swallow the fear

The only thing I should be drinking Is an ice cold beer  
So cool in line And we try, try, try But we try too hard And it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics Cause they're everywhere

They don't like my jeans They don't get my hair  
Exchange ourselves And we do it all the time Why do we do that?

Why do I do that? Why do I do that?

"Dear Kendall…

If you're reading this, I've started cutting myself again. It's because of you. I…I love you. And…when you turned me down that first time, I…just couldn't take it. I grabbed my razor and contemplated, eventually ending with me on the floor, the many cuts on my arms dripping beads of blood. I wish you can see what this is doing to me…but if you find this, you'll know. Between the critics we face for being in a boy band to the attention my looks get me, it means nothing to me. You're the only one I've ever wanted, ever. Why do you think that song F-Ing Perfect makes me cry? It's because those words are what I need to hear from you, telling me I am that perfect, just to you. But if you don't feel the same way, I'll understand…"

At the bottom was James' signature, and Kendall couldn't help but to notice the tearstains on the page. Reading through it again, he felt the tears sting in his eyes, wishing he'd said what he needed to say at James' bedside. He thought he knew how Kendall felt…only that he didn't know Kendall really loved him.

Yeeeeaaaahhh Oooooooh Oh baby pretty please Pretty, pretty please

Don't you ever feel Like you're less than F-ing perfect

James came home later that night, and Kendall decided he would confront him. Kendall smiled to himself as James walked into his room, and he'd find the note had been moved. Kendall followed when the other called for him, and then they sat on James' bed, both afraid to speak.

"I'm sorry." Both words left their mouths at the same time.

"You first." James added, at the smile Kendall's face had broken into. Without warning, Kendall tackled James back onto the bed, and kissed him. Kendall could feel James smile as the brunette melted in his arms, his hands automatically starting to run through Kendall's hair. Before things could go any further, Kendall released James and sat back up, grinning.

Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing You're f-ing perfect to me

"Kendall…wh-what was th-that?" James asked, biting his lip.

"I read the letter. I know why you're like this. It's me, isn't it…you love me." James' entire face seemed to light up as those few words left the blonde's mouth. He'd finally gotten the point!

"Well….y-yeah. I love you, but I know things are different between us…y-you don't…" and before James could finish, Kendall had kissed him again, this time letting himself give in to desire, his hands heading under James shirt to work it over his head. As Kendall stopped and looked into James' eyes, the other yelped, he understood now.

"I didn't think you…of all people. But Jo…was that a lie? Was all that faking? So do you like me? I'm confused…" the brunette explained, his hazel eyes wide. Kendall only laughed, "I think you know the answer. What I do next…you'll know." Leaning down so he was almost on top of James, the blonde's hands ran along his chest, as he whispered into James' ear, "You're perfect, you're perfect…"

At those words, James' heart leapt into his throat and he reacted immediately, kissing Kendall, his arms wrapping around the boy he knew finally loved him back. As they pulled away, Kendall smiled, "James…I saw that note. That song…I think I know how it goes." And before James could believe it, Kendall had finally said what he needed to hear…he sang, "Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel Like you're nothing

You're f-ing perfect to me…" And kissing again, James knew Kendall really thought he was f-ing prefect. Because the way things were heating up, neither could deny it.


End file.
